Return to Things that Must Go... Island

Maybe I'm getting more irritated by people lately, but I have 4 more things that must go. I don't feel angry at all. Maybe I should go work for the postal service.

1) Cold toilet seats. I can't tell you the dread that goes through my system when it is January, I'm about to shart in my pants, and I see that toilet seat snickering at me. Don't you think with all the iPods, breathstrips, and laser eye surgeries someone could find an energy concious solution to this world-wide, centuries-long epidemic?

2) Switching the words in a sentence so as to suddenly unravel some secret meaning in the words that unlocks the secret of life. Example: "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." There are a million of these viruses going around. This is not clever. Even I can do it: "Clown around in life, and life will make you a clown." Please, relief society sisters... you are perpetuating the acceptance of this dirty little sin. Cease and desist.

3) People who write checks for regular purchases, usually with 4 or more people in line behind them. Checks are no longer acceptable for anything, except to get neat boxes to hold stuff in like jewelry, or to pay bills and then only in the mail. There are these wondercards nowadays that have hundreds of dollars hidden inside them, and if the cashier swipes the card in his wondermachine the money goes into his till. It's amazing.

4) Leaving pointless, undescriptive messages on cell phones. Either leave me a message telling we what you would have told me had I answered, or don't leave a message. We've all done it, and also been victims of this horrible indecency. "Hi (blank). This is (blank). Give me a call when you get this message. OK. Talk to you later." This should never happen. I have caller ID, and usually if I miss a call I will see it, and will know to call you back. I don't want to make a call to my voicemail just to hear that I missed your call and you wanted to talk to me. I think I will make it a point to not call you back should you do this. (I know you all will be quite witty, just like my old lady, and leave me tons of pointless, long messages on my phone. You will RUE the day you do. RUE!!!)